


Is It Too Late?

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Canon Divergent, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 2, M/M, Pining, Ten Years Later, set 2027
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 02:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16008167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: Aaron never found Robert at the scrapyard, the day after Seb was born. He never talked Robert into staying. Robert left the village that day, and ten years later is the first time he's returned to Emmerdale, and the first time he's bumped into Aaron since it all went wrong so spectacularly.Can he and Aaron make it work the second time around? Or has too much time passed to ever make it work?





	Is It Too Late?

**Author's Note:**

> Finally got here, my first big bang! I really liked the scrapyard scene in November last year, where Aaron talked Robert into staying. But I couldn't help but think what if he hadn't? What if Robert had never bumped into Aaron that day, how would things have turned out? This is an interpretation of that idea!
> 
> Thanks go to Collette for making the wonderful fan art for this story!  
> http://eloquentmydear.tumblr.com/post/178146238504/once-outside-aaron-frowned-watching-robert-wedge  
> http://eloquentmydear.tumblr.com/post/178147159199/read-it-here

_ November, 2027. _

Robert flicked the collar of his coat up, the wind already bitter, looking like it was going to be a cold winter. The rush of memories invaded his mind as he followed the well worn path until he reached his destination. He hadn’t been sure when he’d ever get back here, or even if he ever would. But even so, ten years seemed to have come and gone within the blink of an eye in some respects. Life was going by so fast, it was frightening.

“Hi mum,” Robert said softly. He brushed his fingers across the top of the headstone gently. “I said I’d come back,” Robert said quietly. “I know it’s been a while, too long. I forgot flowers. Sorry. I‘ll remember next time,” he promised. And he would do, he was stupid to forget them this time. His mother deserved flowers, she needed at least that much. “I’ve seen Andy. He’s doing good. He’s got a farm in Scotland and he’s happy. He probably visits more often than I do,” Robert admitted. "God, sorry about that."

“Daddy!”

“Hey, sweetheart,” Robert said, crouching down as his daughter ran over to him, blonde hair going haywire in the wind. That was going to be a nightmare to brush out, Robert thought.

“This is boring!” she decided and Robert laughed at her a little bit. “Why are we here?!”

Robert smiled at her indulgently. “I wanted to visit my mum,” he said, nodding at the grave. She seemed to consider this for a few seconds before shaking her head. Robert laughed. “Five more minutes, okay?”

She narrowed her eyes as if testing him to see if he were telling the truth. “Okay,” she said brightly, running over to pick some flowers, the last ones of the year. Robert rolled his eyes and let her do it. His glance fell on his father's grave, well worn now, the letters aging slightly. He debated what to say to him, what Jack would think of him now, but he gave it up quickly. He could never say everything to his dad that he wanted to, or that he needed to in the five minutes before Lily got bored. Another day maybe. He grabbed Lily’s hand and headed back for the village.

It still looked the same. New faces, new cars, but the houses, the front gardens, it felt shocking how little ten years had touched the surface of this village. Robert knew where he was heading, his feet following a path that had become routine when he lived there. The pub. Of course.

Robert hesitated outside the Woolpack. Same name for the pub but a new sign, a fresh lick of paint all over it. He didn’t know if he should go in, but it was one in the afternoon on a weekday. Surely Aaron wouldn’t be here, surely he’d be at work. Wherever his work was these days anyway. It wasn’t the scrap yard, Robert knew that much for certain. About three years ago, he’d been sent a check for his share of the company when Aaron had sold it off. It turned into a nice profit too, which meant he had no idea what Aaron was doing these days, except for the fact he knew he was in Yorkshire, because now and then of a late evening he sometimes scrolled through Aaron’s facebook. He almost never updated it so it was a pointless exercise anyway, but… sometimes Robert did. Looking had been a bad habit that Robert hadn’t been able to entirely break from the moment he’d left ten years ago.

Benjamin Clarke. That was the name of the landlord on the lintel outside the pub, completely foreign and unfamiliar. That would probably mean it was safe. Certainly no chance of being recognised, or not by the owner anyway.

“I’m thirsty!” Lily said impatiently, effectively making the decision for him.

“Come on then, munchkin,” Robert said, holding her hand and going in through the door. The wash of warmth was very welcome from the cold November air outside, making Robert forget his doubts for a split second. The pub wasn’t particularly full and Robert approached the bar. A man in his middle thirties, maybe a little older was stacking glasses behind the bar. He turned around with a easy smile on his face, bright blue eyes that looked easy to get lost in, light brown hair. He looked good, attractive Robert noticed shallowly.

“What can I get you, mate?” he asked.

“A half of lager and an orange juice please,” Robert said.

“With a pink straw!” Lily shouted up towards the bar.

“Is that so?” the barman asked her with a grin.

“If you’ve got a straw, that’d be good,” Robert agreed.

“No problem,” the barman said, turning and getting their drinks.

“Now, what did we say about your indoor voice?” Robert asked Lily as he picked her up and sat her on the bar stool where she started swinging her legs.

“Sorry daddy,” she said with a smile that Robert adored and couldn’t say no to. He never had, even when she’d been six months old and smiled at him for the first time.

“Cheers,” Robert said, handing over a fiver to the barman. “Is this your place?” he asked, after curiosity.

“Er… partly,” the man said. “It’s a long story.”

“Ah, it’s just, I knew the old owner,” Robert said. “A long time ago.”

“Who?” he asked.

“Chas Dingle?” Robert asked, not sure what answer he expected or wanted.

“Ah, yeah, she’s still here,” the man said, smiling. “She’ll be in the back actually, do you want me to…?”

“No,” Robert said, deciding to drink up quickly. “Probably best left alone. I’m Robert, by the way.”

“Ben.” Robert nodded, then watched as he went to serve some other customers. So this was the guy who owned the pub. Fine, Robert thought. It hadn’t been who he expected, and if Chas was still around, that meant Aaron probably was too. He’ll be at work, Robert thought. It had been ten years, and Robert still wasn’t prepared to see him. He didn’t even know why he’d come back to the village, he didn’t have to. Maybe he’d wanted Lily to see his parents grave, even though that was a little bit morbid. Maybe he needed to come, it’d been a long while after all. Maybe a small part of him that he couldn’t even admit to himself thought he could bump into Aaron, though if he did, he’d have no idea how he’d react. Maybe after so long there wouldn’t even be the remnants of anything there between them anyway. Robert didn’t know. He was a little afraid to find out.

Robert had taken a couple of sips of his lager when he saw her back. It’s odd, the things you remember about people, her posture, her figure was exactly the same as it had always been. She turned, eyes settling on Robert, first with surprise, then distaste.

“Oh. It’s you.” Chas was a few years older, a streak of grey in her hair but otherwise looking the same as when he’d known her. Still the fierce Chas Dingle he used to know, eyes sharp and wary.   


“Ah, you’re still here,” Robert said, even though Ben had told him she was around. “There’s a new name above the door.”

“Yes, there is,” Chas agreed, her voice hard. “I’d like you to leave.”   


“It’s not your pub,” Robert said, standing his ground out of pure instinct. He didn’t particularly want to be here, but he wanted to be kicked out even less. Robert always had had a confrontational side, and while the passing of the years might have made him older and wiser, it hadn’t lessened that need to be proven right or to have the upper hand.

“Daddy?” Lily asked, looking up at him, eyes wide at the change in the atmosphere which she could clearly sense.   


“Drink your juice,” Robert said kindly, giving her a wink.

“Who’s this?” Chas asked, her tone changing into a false friendly one, that even after years Robert could still pick up on.

“Lily!” she said loudly, smiling. She was a confident little girl, she rarely did shyness with strangers. Something that terrified Robert on a daily basis.

“My daughter,” Robert said in explanation. Chas’s eyes flicked to his left hand. “No, I’m not married,” he added, answering the silent question. “Never really found anyone.” This was a downright lie. He had found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he’d just massively screwed it up and had no one to blame for it but himself.   


Chas ignored him after that, Robert grateful. Lily had finished her juice and was swinging backwards and forwards on her chair, and Robert knew he had limited time before her patience wore out. He grabbed his keys when he froze. He’d recognise that voice anywhere, no matter how many years it had been, no matter where he was in the world, that tone, that beautiful, slightly gruff and abrupt voice would find him.

“There, fixed the barrel for you, I…” Aaron came out of the backroom, sleeves rolled up and then he saw Robert. They locked eyes and neither of them moved a muscle, simply staring. It had been ten years, but it felt like just yesterday. Aaron’s eyes, beautiful blue eyes were staring at him, just the same, just as gorgeous. Just as heart stopping.

“Hi,” Aaron said, being the first one to break the silence. He walked towards Robert, still behind the bar, and he hadn’t moved his gaze away from Robert’s face once. “I… didn’t expect to see you again.”

“No,” Robert said hollowly. “Neither did I. Look, sorry. If I’d known you were here, I wouldn’t have stopped by.”

“I’m glad you did,” Aaron said, looking it. “How are you?”

“Same old,” Robert said, not really wanting to go into how he was. “You?” Robert watched as Ben moved towards Aaron, as if curious about the tension, the new conversation.

“Leave it,” Aaron said to Ben, and the stranger retreated, Robert glaring at him as he left. They seemed to be familiar with each other and Robert felt cold. Ben and Aaron were together. Of course. He’d been stupid not to assume Aaron would be with someone, of course he would. It’d been ten years, it’s not like they could pick up where they left off. That hadn’t even been in Robert’s mind when he visited here, he could have come any time over the last ten years if that’d been what he wanted. He hadn’t, he’d consciously avoided the village, except for Diane’s funeral, but even then it’d only been because he’d known Aaron had been away in France at the time. Vic had told him when she’d been wheedling for him to come home. Avoiding Aaron had always been job number one up until now. Why now? Robert kept asking himself silently, a mantra running through his head. He could have, should have stayed away.

“What’ve you been up to?” Aaron asked, shifting in a way that Robert recognised instantly, uncomfortable, awkward. Aaron’s eyes slipped to Lily, and obviously working out that she was Robert’s daughter, the realisation dawning on his face, and Robert felt shocked by how well he could still read him.

“I need to go.” Robert scooped Lily up into his arms and left the pub as quickly as he could, Lily’s bottom lip wobbling at the change in atmosphere. “It’s okay,” he soothed her, a hand over her messy blonde hair. “It’s okay Lils.” Robert left as soon as he could, the draft from how quickly he pulled open the pub door ruffling his hair. He was only parked just down the street, halfway between the cemetery and the pub.

“Daddy?” Lily sniffed.

“I’m fine,” Robert said. “Just… being reminded about old friends.”

“But you look sad,” she said as Robert unlocked the car and started to put Lily in her car seat.

“Sometimes I get sad,” Robert told her. “But not for long, trust me.” He winked and that seemed to put Lily at ease.

“Robert, wait.”

Robert made sure she was buckled in before he closed the door and straightened up. He braced himself, physically braced himself before he turned and saw Aaron. 

He’d broadened out a little, but it looked more muscular than anything else. His hair was just the same, his face was a tiny bit more lined, but otherwise? Ten years looked to have barely touched him. He looked good for 35, he really did. Living life away from Robert clearly suited him.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Robert said, forcing himself to speak calmly. “I should go.”

“Why did you even come?” Aaron asked, his voice almost as slow as Robert’s.

“I was visiting mum,” Robert said. “I was curious, so we stopped in for a drink. That’s all.”

“How’s… Seb doing?” Aaron asked, eyes flashing at the mention. But he couldn’t not say anything. One of them had to mention it after all. The wedge between them all those years ago that had just got wider and bigger until it felt completely insurmountable. Before Aaron could even really work out how he truly felt, Robert had left.

Robert huffed a humourless laugh. “Do you know… I’ve got no idea.” Aaron frowned, and Robert felt a roll of longing wash over him. Those little lines between his eyebrows Robert wanted to smooth out with his thumb, or his lips. The way he used to, a habit he’d got into with the man he loved. Laying in bed next to him, the soft touches and whispered laughs…  _ Stop it, Robert _ , he told himself sternly. “I’ve not seen him since… about two months after I left the village.”

“Why?” Aaron asked. Then the disappointment rolled onto his face like thunder. “Out of everything I thought you capable of… abandoning your kid?”

“Well,” Robert said, trying to fight the pain that disappointment from Aaron had always caused him. “Not my kid.”

“What?”

“As it turns out,” Robert said. He shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter. Not now anyway. It’s too late.” Robert grabbed his keys and walked around the car to the drivers seat.

"How long have you known?" Aaron asked.

"Nearly ten years."

“Then why didn’t you come back?” Aaron asked, voice faint. "After all this time, you're mentioning it now?"

“Because Seb… he wasn’t really the problem, was he? You were happier without me, and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.” Robert swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I need to go. I need to get Lily home.”

“Are you going home to anyone?” Aaron asked before he could stop himself.

“No,” Robert said, knowing what the real question was, underneath those words. Did he have someone, that is what Aaron was truly asking. Did he have someone to curl up to at night? Was he in love with anyone? Or had he spent the last decade so unbearably lonely. “No,” he repeated. “Me and Lils get along just fine.”

“Robert…”

“Aaron, I  _ need  _ to go,” he said, emphasising the word.

“Okay,” Aaron said. He didn’t say anything else and watched as Robert got into his car, turned the engine over and drove away, into the distance. Aaron sighed when he was alone, looking at the ground as Ben came over to him. He’d been watching the whole exchange from the entrance to the pub.

“Let me guess, that’s the famous Robert,” Ben said, noticing Aaron watching the empty road, almost wistfully.

“Yeah,” Aaron said quietly.

“Are you okay?” Ben asked. He’d heard a lot about Robert, mostly from Vic, but certainly from the way Aaron acted whenever his name came up. Which wasn’t often after all. They worked together, he couldn’t not know about how deeply Robert had affected him.

“Yes,” Aaron said after a moment, forcing a smile. “Just… wasn’t expecting to see him, that’s all.”

“Go inside and put your feet up,” Ben said, being nice. “I’ll take the evening shift.”

“Would you?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said, trying to hide how shaken he was. “I appreciate that.”

* * *

 

Robert kept himself calm until he’d read Lily her bedtime story and put her to bed that night. He turned the light off, left her with her unicorn night light, and then went into the living room, pouring himself a whisky. Aaron. Robert didn’t lie to himself, not often anyway. And he thought of Aaron most days. He didn’t live in the past, he had done for a while, but no longer. He didn’t live in a fantasy land either, where he and Aaron could magically make it work the second they laid eyes on each other. But he did regret what he’d lost, and he did wonder what Aaron’s life was like and how he was doing, and if he was happy. He didn’t wallow in it, he had a life to live after all, and he adored being a father to Lily. But he did often think about what could have been.

What had shaken Robert the most? Looking at Aaron, it was like not even ten days had passed, let alone ten years. He looked different, at first glance, but then it was like the ten years just melted clean away. If he were being honest with himself? He still wanted him. How was that even possible? Robert took a sip of whisky and put crap TV on, trying to distract himself. It didn’t work.

* * *

 

Aaron had the TV on, watching God knows what and his mind a thousand miles away. “I’ve locked up the pub and I’m going over to Vic’s.”

Aaron turned around and looked at Ben, not having taken in a word he’d said. Ben seemed to know that. “Pub, closed, I’m seeing Vic,” he repeated, speaking bluntly.

“Right, okay,” Aaron said.

Ben hesitated. “You can talk about him. I can listen. I can put off Vic if you want.”

“Nah,” Aaron said. “Vic’ll be waiting for you and I’m good. Thanks though.” Ben nodded and left, the door closing with a quiet catch, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts. He had never expected to see Robert again, and at the time it had been a bit of a relief. When Vic had told him that Robert had left and wouldn’t be coming back to the village, Aaron had felt disappointed, and then… relieved. To get up each day and know that he wouldn’t bump into Robert had taken some of the pressure off. Because seeing Robert had always been fraught with tension under the surface between the two of them, even from the start. Whether that was romantic, anger, fury sometimes, it didn’t seem to matter between them. There would always be something else. Nothing was ever simple with their relationship, so for a few months, not seeing Robert around the village had helped him.

But now, to see him again after so long was a shock to the system. He hadn’t expected it. He’d aged well. His hair might have been a little lighter, probably with a bit of grey in it, his eyes having a few more lines around them, but physically, he was just the same. The same build, the same terrible taste in shirts. Robert looked good, and he hadn’t had anything to do with Seb in years? God, Aaron wished he’d known that.  _ What would you have done differently? _ a little voice asked himself. Well, it wouldn’t have kept them apart for so long and maybe… “No, its gone,” Aaron told himself. “It’s in the past. Leave it there.” Aaron turned the TV off and went to bed, trying to focus on the present. Not the past that he’d lost, at least in part because he hadn’t been able to find a way to put their mistakes behind him. Both of them had made mistakes, not just Robert, and it was both of their faults that the relationship hadn’t worked and had broken down. So why did it still hurt now?

* * *

It took three days of telling himself not to, of finding distractions, of doing anything he could not to, but eventually, Aaron found Robert on facebook. He looked through his pictures with curiosity. There weren’t very many pictures of Robert. The one of him that looked really good had been from Vic’s thirtieth birthday party a few years ago. Robert looked happy, a bottle of lager in front of him, smiling at some joke someone had just told him to the left. He looked incredibly good, shirt sleeves rolled up, freckled forearms on display and mussed up blond hair that Aaron felt the urge to run his fingers through. Aaron had known Robert had gone to Vic’s birthday bash, but because of that, he’d avoided it. He hadn’t wanted to see him, he hadn’t been in the right frame of mind at the time.

However, there were a lot of pictures of Lily on his facebook. It was clear that Robert was a very proud father, and a good one. Aaron had always known he would be, whenever and however that happened. It was something he’d never doubted. Aaron sent him a friends request before he could talk himself out of it.

* * *

Robert had just finished work for the day and was sat in his car, picking Lily up from the childminders. It was only for about an hour three days a week after her school finished, but Robert hated missing time with her. That’s when he saw Aaron had sent him a friends request on facebook. Robert hesitated. He remembered exactly when he’d defriended Aaron in the first place. It was right after a picture of Alex looking smug had come up on his timeline and Robert had got drunk and clicked the button before he could sober up, and as time went on, he’d just never rectified it. He clicked accept quickly. He never could say no to anything Aaron asked of him, he thought bitterly.

“It was good to see you the other day.” Robert read the message Aaron sent almost instantly and sighed, putting his phone on the passenger seat as he drove to pick up Lily. He didn’t reply until later that night when Lily was in bed, reading herself to sleep.

“Yeah, it was. Good, but too long.”

“I know. It's definitely been too long,” Aaron replied. Nothing further happened in the conversation, it just fell silent, and for the moment, that was enough for them both. A very tenuous connection reestablished.

* * *

 

Robert had a message on his facebook. He opened it and saw it was from Aaron. It didn’t say anything, it just had a phone number which Robert assumed was Aaron’s. Robert quickly put the number in his contacts list, but he didn’t call or text. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Realistically, if he was being honest with himself he knew he would get into contact with Aaron eventually, but right now? No. He didn’t have the mental strength for a conversation, especially when between them, half the communication was always done between the things they didn’t say. Between them, Robert had always been able to read Aaron better than anyone else, and Robert knew Aaron did the same to him. There was this indefinable connection between them, there always had been even from the very beginning. Sometimes it scared Robert.

* * *

 

“Where abouts are you living?” Robert had been texting Aaron very sporadically over the last couple of weeks, talking about inane things like the football and the telly. It had been good, the contact, particularly because it had never veered into “too much” territory. Robert had missed him. It wasn’t just his looks, or the way Robert felt about him, he missed his friend who he could muck about with. This was the first time Aaron had asked about the slightest thing personal. Robert looked at the message for a few seconds, then typed away, thinking there was no harm in it.

“Leeds. Two bedroom flat. It’s nice.” Robert reread the message and rolled his eyes. That was such a stupid message, but it had already been sent. What was he thinking about? Aaron didn’t want to know how many bedrooms it had for Gods sake!

“I didn’t expect to still be living with my mum,” Aaron replied back. Robert had no idea how to respond to that, so he didn’t. Five minutes later, Aaron sent him another message. “Want to meet up?”

Robert thought about it, then typed back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Aaron asked. Robert breathed out, thinking about how to word it.  _ You’re taken. You have a life that I’m not a part of. We were never just friends. Seeing you hurts. Not seeing you hurts.  _ All of that was true, but none was okay to say after so long. Robert’s phone rang and in spite of himself, Robert answered it. He knew it would be Aaron without even looking at the number.

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” Robert felt himself ache for him, just from his voice alone. Warm, the way it made the heat roll through him, even in spite of his best intentions. “We could meet up,” Aaron said. “It’s been ten years, we’ll have a lot to catch up on.”

“Yeah, we could,” Robert said. “But…”

“Look, I’m not going to force you into it,” Aaron said. “But… it was good. To see you the other week, I mean. God, you know I’m shit with stuff like this.” Robert laughed, more out of surprise than anything else.

“Yeah, I do know,” Robert said warmly. “Some things never change. I take Fridays afternoons off work,” Robert said, considering every word carefully. “I have lunch in a café in Leeds, so if you wanted to meet up…”

“Why not here?” Aaron suggested.

“I’m not coming back to the village,” Robert said firmly. “Too much has happened. Too many bad memories, I just can’t anymore. I don’t have the strength, Aaron.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, not pushing it. “Which café?”

“It’s called the Galley,” Robert said. “It’s on the main street in Leeds by the traffic lights at the top of town, you can’t miss it.”

“Great. One sound okay?”

“One o’clock,” Robert agreed, before reluctantly hanging up the phone. Then he started to wonder what the hell he’d done. He’d spent years trying to get Aaron out of his system, and at the first opportunity, he’d as good as invited Aaron on a lunch date. He hoped Aaron wouldn’t see it that way, especially as Aaron was already with someone else. Robert wouldn’t cheat, he wouldn’t be an affair, even if the opportunity came up. His adult life had taught him that much at least. No good could come from it. All it did was cause untold people so much pain, and that was a red line with him these days. It simply wouldn’t happen.

* * *

 

Robert arrived at the café early. He felt uncomfortable, nervous, and he needed to calm down. Aaron might not even show up. Plus he had to pick Lily up from school in a couple of hours, so even if Aaron did show, and all those feelings came back to the surface, Robert couldn’t hang around here all day, he had an in built excuse ready and waiting. Robert nodded at the staff before heading up the stairs to the first floor, to get a good view of the high street at his usual table. He could see the traffic, the top of double decker buses from up here and it was one of the places that he was most comfortable outside of his home.

“The usual?” the waitress asked, nice, familiar. He’d been here often enough now. Her name was Matilda, she had short bright red hair and dimples when she smiled. The first few times Robert had come in here, she’d tried it on with him, but he’d made it clear he wasn’t interested, and she’d taken it with good grace, flirtation fading into friendliness.

“Er… just a coffee at the moment,” Robert said. “I’m waiting for someone.”

“Oh, a date?” she asked eagerly.

“No, definitely not,” Robert said. “He’s taken.”

“You don’t sound too happy about that,” Matilda noticed, continuing to pry.

“A coffee,” Robert repeated with a smile and she went off to get one.

* * *

 

Aaron had found the place without much difficulty. He hesitated outside the building for a moment, thinking. Meeting up with Robert again must be a bad idea, but then he couldn’t stop himself. It had been his own suggestion in the first place. Aaron opened the door and looked around, hoping to see Robert. He didn’t and got his phone out to check if Robert had cancelled. He hadn’t but there was a text saying he was upstairs, so Aaron followed, then saw him. Just in profile, but he’d know the shape of Robert’s body anywhere, even covered by a winter coat and huddled over the table. Aaron took a deep breath, asked himself once more if he should back out and walked over to the man he somehow thought he’d never meet again.

* * *

Robert could feel Aaron’s eyes on him for a second before either of them spoke, and he straightened his back out of instinct. “Robert,” Aaron said in greeting. Aaron still wore those hoodies, Robert noticed. Though they were a little more fitting these days, and it was grey rather than black. Aaron had shaved too. But he still looked good, great even.

“I half wondered if you’d cancel,” Robert said as Aaron sat down opposite him.

“I half wondered too,” Aaron said. “Thank you. For meeting up with me, I know it’s difficult. For both of us.”

“Yes,” Robert said, feeling like he was talking around a lump in his throat. This was hard, not quite painful to see Aaron again, but certainly not easy either.

“Tea,” Aaron said to the waitress when she approached. “And a bacon sarnie if you do them?”

“Coming right up,” she said with a nod before looking at Robert. “Anything?”

“No thanks,” he said. Eating felt like the last thing Robert wanted to do right now.

“Is it baking night with Lily?” the waitress asked with a smile.

“Yeah, something like that,” Robert said. “I expect cookie dough on the ceiling by the end of the day.” She laughed and retreated with Aaron’s order.

“You look exactly the same,” Aaron said, his eyes darting over Robert, drinking him in. It was an intimacy, the way Aaron looked at him, but Robert didn’t mind. He’d never minded when it came to Aaron. Though he did run a hand through his hair self consciously because he knew he didn’t look the same, ten years had touched him and aged him.

“I don’t,” Robert said. “Look the same, you’re flattering me.”

“But your ego usually takes it.”

“Maybe,” Robert agreed with half a shrug and a slight smirk. Aaron smiled back, before it faded, and Aaron started talking.

“You’ve got a daughter?” Aaron asked. “I saw her in the pub when you came to the village.” It probably wasn’t the right opening gambit, but he could hardly avoid the subject, and it was obvious from Lily’s age that Robert had managed to move on. At least somewhat. But it had been ten years after all, Aaron reminded himself, trying to stop mentally blaming Robert for having lived his life. Aaron had too, neither of them had spent the last ten years frozen in time.

“Lily’s my angel,” Robert said, smiling broadly at the thought of her. “She’s so… she’s amazing.” His eyes sparkled at the thought of her, and Aaron couldn’t stop the echoing smile on his own face.

“You’re a good dad,” Aaron said.

“Based on what?” Robert asked. “You don’t know me, not any more. Everything you do know about my parenting skills doesn’t exactly paint me in a good light.”

“The way you look when you talk about her,” Aaron said. “You look proud and happy.”

“I am,” Robert said. “When it comes to her anyway.”

“Did you… get married?” Aaron asked, eyes burning with how important that question was to him. Aaron had already scanned Robert’s ring finger and found it empty.

“No,” Robert said. “There’s not anyone special. There never has been, not since you. I won’t marry again, whatever happens in my life, I know that much.”

“But… your daughter?” Aaron asked, not following.

“I adopted her,” Robert said. “I realised that… I was never going to get the family I wanted by sitting on my arse moaning about it.” Aaron huffed a laugh, in spite of himself. “So I decided I’d adopt. It took a while. I got her when she was four months old.”

“I’m surprised,” Aaron said quietly. “Not in a bad way. It’s just not something I expected.”

“It took a while to get the approval through, but… I didn’t need a newborn. I wanted to give someone a home, didn’t need a tiny baby. So they found it easier to place a child with me. Lily… she didn’t like much when she was little. I get the feeling she’d been a bit… neglected at first.” Robert’s face darkened for a moment. “The first time she smiled at me, I’d had such a bad day. I’d started wondering why I’d done this, how I thought I could cope with this, all on my own. And then she smiled. I think she might have known I was having a really bad day, or something, because I needed to see that smile at the time so much.

“I’m sure,” Aaron said softly. “Do you like being a dad?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I worry about her, but that’s part of being a parent.” Aaron nodded, listening to him. “She does well at school. I’m waiting for the disinterest to kick in, but right now she’s just sucking up everything like a sponge. She likes her teachers.”

“Not every kid is like Liv when it comes to school,” Aaron said with a small tilt of his lips.

“How is she?” Robert asked warmly, wanting to know. “I didn’t see her in the village. Is she… okay?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “She lives in Manchester now, has a studio flat. She works for an art gallery and she’s trying to make it as an artist.”

“Is she any good?” Robert asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Not just because she’s my little sister. The pub, all the artwork hanging there is hers.” Robert said nothing, because he can’t say he noticed the artwork on the walls, he was too busy worrying about being back in the village after ten years. “You didn’t see them, did you?”

“No,” Robert admitted, both warmed and a little worried at how well Aaron could read him, even after so long. “I was focusing all my energy on being back in the village after all this time. I’ll have to visit again and have a look.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I promise. I always cared about Liv, I think you know that. I didn’t want to leave her either, but… she was so angry and I felt maybe it’d just be better to stay away. You were moving on with Alex and… me being around when I didn't need to be. She’d already had things tough. I didn’t want to complicate it any more.”

“God, I’d forgotten all about Alex,” Aaron said.

“Didn’t last?” Robert asked.

“No,” Aaron said. “I needed someone to… forget, someone easy, but it was never built to last.”

“Why?”

“Because he was far too… well, boring.” Robert laughed, he couldn’t help it. Yeah, he’d never seen the Alex attraction either. “I don’t do nice and boring, we both know that,” Aaron added with a cheeky glint in his eyes that made Robert’s face feel hot in spite of himself.

“Liv, is she… has she found someone?” Robert asked. Aaron shot him a sharp look, one Robert couldn’t read and he wondered if he’d overstepped some kind of invisible line.

“No,” Aaron said. Robert didn’t push it, as there was obviously more to this subject. It was clearly too sensitive. “What do you do? For a living, I mean.” Robert noted the change of subject, but didn’t argue it.

“Basically, I’m a glorified salesman,” Robert said. “You know me, you know I can persuade anyone if given enough time to talk.” Aaron smiled, but carried on listening. “I work for a farming equipment company. I persuade big clients to put in big orders and overhaul their farms. It’s not really complicated, I was doing the same with Lawrence way back when.” Clearly mentioning Lawrence’s name was the wrong thing to do because it created an atmosphere, a certain tension between them both just at the mention of his name.

“I heard he’d died,” Aaron said quietly. “They left the village soon after you did, so I don’t know, but that’s what everyone in the village heard.”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Apparently him and Chrissie died in a car crash.”

“Oh,” Aaron said. “Sorry.” But it was more because that’s what you say, rather than any regret. Aaron wasn’t a hypocrite and he’d never liked any of the Whites, even if he’d felt a bit of guilt towards Chrissie from time to time for sleeping with her husband. “And… Rebecca?” Robert sighed. “Come on, one of us had to mention her sooner or later.”

“I’ve not seen her in a while,” Robert said. “I bumped into her about five years ago. She seemed happy, Seb seemed happy. He was a boisterous little boy when I saw him last.”

They both fell quiet as the waitress delivered Aaron’s sandwich, not wanting to talk with an audience.

“So… Seb... not yours?” Aaron asked. “How did that happen?” Robert stared at him as if asking if he was thick. “I meant… how did you find out?”

“I started asking questions,” Robert said. “I wasn’t happy with the answers. I wanted to know, before I insisted on being a part of his life, I just had to know one way or the other, so I had a test done.” Robert cleared his throat, looking at his half empty coffee cup. Even after all this time it was painful. To lose his son like that.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Aaron said, seeing Robert was struggling. 

“I left right after he was born, you know that. I spent… three maybe four weeks in the bottom of a whisky bottle before I tried to pull myself back together. I came back in December, I wanted to see Rebecca and, more importantly, Seb. She was pissed that I’d left. I don’t blame her, but I managed to sweet talk her into letting me see Seb for a bit.” Aaron huffed and Robert looked at him.

“Sorry,” Aaron said. “I just… sweet talking always was your style.”

“Yeah,” Robert agreed, a slight smile on his face. “Anyway, I got to see him and hold him, and it was at that point I just needed to know if he was mine. I knew Rebecca had been sleeping with Ross at the time, and for all I knew she was sleeping with other men as well. It wasn’t my business, she could do what she liked, but I just needed to know for sure. Rebecca wasn’t happy, but I’d made a trust fund for Seb, and I told her I’d only be involved with him if I knew for certain. So she agreed, and we had it checked. When I found out that Seb wasn’t mine…” Robert took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It had hurt, and he could still feel the echoes of that pain even now.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron said sincerely. “I can’t imagine how that felt for you.”

“Well, it wasn’t fun,” Robert said darkly. “To her credit, I think Rebecca believed Seb was mine, I don’t think she actively lied. She was shocked too. I spent that Christmas in a complete whisky haze.”

“You could have come home,” Aaron said firmly. “You should have.”

“That December, when I came back to the village, I saw you with Alex. And you saw me, do you remember? You didn’t seem exactly happy to see me.”

“I was never happy to see you!” Aaron snapped, making Robert smile. “I’m not talking about just me, what about your sister, Diane, Emmerdale’s your home. Me or the Whites, neither should drive you away from your home, Robert.”

“I needed a clean break,” Robert said. “But apart from that, I did come back.”

“What?” Aaron asked. That was new information. “When?”

“On our wedding anniversary,” Robert said, smiling sadly. “I came back, and I… you were moving in with Alex. Which is fine, I’m not blaming you at all, you have to do what keeps you happy, that’s all I wanted. But it was too painful for me to stay around and watch, when I wasn’t even sure the village was my home anymore in the first place.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Aaron said, feeling the missed opportunities overwhelm him with sadness.

“Wasn’t what?”

“Wasn’t moving Alex in with me,” Aaron said. “His boiler had gone, and it was February. He was crashing with me for a few days, I could hardly kick him out, it was freezing and he had nowhere to go.”

Robert let the silence crash over them both. “Seriously?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “He got suspended from work and his boiler went all in the same week. It felt a bit harsh to add dumping him as well. We didn’t even make it to March if I remember right.”

While Robert might appreciate the sentiment, right now it felt devastating. “But… I wanted to talk to you then. I came back to talk to you, and I found you moving in with him.”

“You never did,” Aaron said, trying to place it. He hadn’t seen Robert then, he knew he hadn’t. “You didn’t talk to me that day. I didn’t even know you were home in the first place.”

“But…” Robert felt the unbelievable regret for wasted time and missed chances. If only he’d actually gone and spoken to Aaron back then! But then… maybe Aaron wouldn’t have said, maybe Aaron wouldn't have admitted Doctor Boring was on his way out. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” Robert lied.

“You should have found me,” Aaron said. “Things could have been…”

“You’re on your feet anyway,” Robert said. “You’re with Ben.”

“What?” Aaron frowned. “Not with him. I work with him, and he’s become a friend, but no.”

“You looked… he’s not your boyfriend?” Robert asked in surprise.

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “It might make things awkward when he goes round Vic’s every night if he were.”

“He’s with Vic?” Aaron had momentarily forgot that Robert would have a vested interest in that.

“Well… it’s more of a friends with benefits thing,” Aaron admitted.

“Aaron!” Robert shouted.

“You asked!”

“Is he using her?” Robert asked sternly.

“No,” Aaron said firmly. “Vic is more than capable of making her own decisions.” He paused. “If anything, she’s maybe taking advantage of him a little bit. He’s crazy about her, and I don’t think she’s as interested.” Aaron took a sip of his drink. “If you want to know about Vic’s love life, ask her. She’s not heard from you for a while.”

“How do you know that?”

“I talk to her,” Aaron said with a shrug. “You could try it. I know she misses you.”

“No, she doesn’t.”

“Of course she does,” Aaron said. “Though she never mentioned you had a daughter.”

“I asked her to keep it quiet,” Robert said. “When I was trying to adopt, because I didn’t know if I’d be successful. And then… after, I asked her not to tell you. I didn’t know if… how… after Seb, how you’d take it. It wasn’t like you were seeing me every day anyway, so… it was just easier.”

Aaron shrugged. It didn’t really make much difference. Robert could be married with five children now, ten years could be a long time. “So tell me about the pub. Ben owns it?”

“Er… not really,” Aaron said. “I sold out the scrapyard to buy a share in the pub. It got into a bit of financial trouble, so I wanted to help mum out. It wasn’t enough, we knew that. And even if it had been, I couldn’t be the landlord of the pub with a criminal record, so we needed outside help.”

“And that’s where Ben comes in?” Robert asked.

“No, that’s where this bloke, Joe Tate came in.”

Robert frowned, searching his memory. “I remember him. Scrawny weird little kid.”

Aaron hmmed a laugh. “Well, he turned into a really irritating rich weasel. He bought Home Farm after the Whites, chucking his money around and all that. He wanted to buy up half the village. He offered to buy 51% of the pub. Mum, she couldn’t turn it down. She didn’t want to lose the pub, her life's works gone into that. We got him down to 50%, so we have an equal say, but he wanted his own man working in the pub.”

“Which is Ben.”

“Exactly,” Aaron said. “We didn’t expect to like him, but it actually works well.”

“And Joe Tate?”

“Ah,” Aaron said. “He’s not a problem anymore.”

“Oh, why?”

“I er…” Aaron looked around the cafe. “He got shot.”

“What?!” Robert snapped, making Aaron glare. “Sorry, I meant… wow. Did he die?”

“Yep,” Aaron said offhand. Clearly Joe Tate hadn’t made many friends.

“I er… who did it?” Robert asked.

“Half the village were suspects,” Aaron said. “They tried nicking me for it, thought I wanted revenge on him stealing mums pub.” Robert stared at him. “It wasn’t me, by the way. I didn’t like him, but not enough hate to get stuck in prison for it.”

“I didn’t think it was,” Robert said. “You’ve got a temper, but you haven’t got cold blooded murder in you.”

“Is that a compliment?” Aaron scowled, and Robert smiled at him.

“Who was it?” Robert asked.

“Not someone who’s ever going to get caught,” Aaron said, shaking his head.

“So, you know,” Robert said. “You didn’t say you had no idea. You know, you just don’t want to tell me.”

“Yep,” Aaron said casually. “It’s three years old now, it’s dead and buried.”

“Well, someone’s clearly dead and buried,” Robert said pointedly. Aaron didn’t answer. “Wait, what happened to the pub? If Joe’s dead?”

“It got left to Noah,” Aaron said. “He wanted nothing to do with the running of it, but does like a profit share, so he isn’t really involved. We kept Ben on, because… mums getting older and he’s good at his job.”

“Are you happy?” Robert asked. Aaron hesitated, which meant the answer wasn’t a simple yes.

“Sometimes,” Aaron said. “Life can be… tough though.”

“I know,” Robert said softly. “I need to go,” he said, looking at his watch.

“What?” Aaron asked. “Why?”

“My daughter needs picking up from school.”

“Oh.” Aaron shuffled awkwardly. “It’s been… good talking to you. Catching up.”

“Yeah,” Robert agreed. “It has been, actually.”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Aaron said, dead pan. Robert smiled, an honest smile that reached his eyes.

“Why don’t you… come to the pub next time?” Aaron said. “We could… talk some more. You could bring Lily if you want to, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Maybe,” Robert said.

“You said you’d look at Liv’s paintings,” Aaron reminded him.

“All right then,” Robert agreed. “Next weekend?”

“That sounds good,” Aaron said. Robert reached for his wallet and got a ten pound note, leaving it on the table. He did have to go. Aaron nodded, and Robert left the cafe, Aaron watching him go. It had felt so good to talk to him after all this time. Wonderful. Like it was exactly where the two of them were meant to be. For right, or for wrong, Aaron was looking forward to talking to him again.

* * *

 

It was the next weekend that Robert went over to the village, Saturday afternoon. He did have Lily with him, but he wasn’t intending on introducing her to Aaron yet. The fact that he thought the word “yet” to himself told him that he would eventually, but he decided not to examine that too closely. Instead, he held Lily’s hand as he walked up the path to Vic’s cottage. She opened the door, smiling as Robert had already called her, asking if she’d babysit.

“You like to crawl out of the woodwork every few years,” she grumbled, though it was at the same time as she was giving him a hug, standing on her tiptoes, so Robert didn’t take it too seriously.

“You know why I avoid the village, Vic,” he said.

“But you’re here now,” she said.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Well, Aaron and I talked. Cleared the air. Can we…?” Vic nodded, letting them into her house, closing the door.

“So?” Vic asked, putting the kettle on out of habit. “Are you and Aaron…?”

“No,” Robert said. “I don’t know if we ever will be, but… it was good to talk to him. It needed to be done. Probably years ago if we’re being honest.”

“Yes!” Vic snapped. She’d been telling him this ever since he'd left. “I miss my brother sometimes. You didn’t need to stay away for so long!”

“Maybe it was better for everyone,” Robert said. “If you’re going to give me a lecture, I’ll just go.”

“No, don’t,” she said. “And anyway, I’ve not seen Lily in ages.” The girl in question grinned up at her aunt.

“You remember Auntie Vic, don’t you?” Robert pushed.

“Of course I do!” Lily said loudly. “I’m not a baby!”

“Of course you’re not,” Vic agreed. “I thought we’d make some Christmas stuff if you want to? Gingerbread?” Lily’s eyes lit up.

“I can lick the bowl?”

“If we don’t tell daddy,” she added in a conspiratorial whisper and Lily nodded solemnly.

“Bye daddy!” she shouted.

“I guess that’s my cue,” Robert said.

“Hey!” Vic called to him before he vanished. “Whatever happens with Aaron, or doesn’t happen, please don’t stay away for so long.” Vic’s eyes were wide and pleading. “I love you, my stupid brother.”

“I’ll try,” Robert said. Vic frowned, not liking that answer. “Sometimes it’s all I can do to hold the broken pieces of myself together. Yeah, it might be my fault that I hurt like this sometimes. But it doesn’t magically fix it, does it?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Robert said. “Call me if there’s a problem.”

“I will,” Vic agreed. She hugged Robert again, before Robert braced himself before heading down the street for the pub.

* * *

 

Robert felt nervous, and a little anxious. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was expecting from Aaron. The last time they’d met all they’d really done was discuss the past, the gaps, the things they didn’t know over the last decade. They hadn’t even begun to reacquaint themselves, not really.

He opened the door of the pub and was greeted by the delicious smell of Marlon’s roast beef. It washed over him, and it took him back years. There was something about certain smells, the scent that could just bring you right back to a time you thought you’d left completely behind.

“A pint please,” Robert said to Ben, behind the bar. He nodded, but didn’t stop to chat any further, the pub was busy with the Sunday lunch rush. Robert took his pint with a smile and a nod before finding a small table in the corner, the only free one in the pub he saw. He felt perfectly happy to tuck himself away. He saw Aaron a couple of minutes later, handing plates to a waitress he didn’t recognise. A small blonde girl, barely out of school, though she looked bubbly and cheerful.

“Hey, do you want a roast? The kitchen’s nearly run out,” the waitress said, coming over.

“No,” Robert said. “I’m good, thanks.” She nodded and rushed off, obviously busy.

“Hey,” Aaron said, coming over and pushing the sleeves of his hoodie up, shifting a little uncomfortably. “Sorry, we got really rushed off our feet today,” Aaron said.

“It’s fine,” Robert said levelly. “I can wait.” Aaron didn’t say anything, his face didn’t change, but there was a certain something lighting up his eyes. Amusement, curiosity. Whatever it was, Robert couldn’t name it before it was gone, Aaron getting back to work.

It didn’t take long, maybe twenty minutes before Aaron came over with his own pint, sitting opposite him.

“Don’t skive work for me,” Robert said.

“It’s winding down anyway,” Aaron said, shrugging. “How are you?”

“Not much different from last time.”

“Sorry,” Aaron said. “I didn’t mean to leave you on your own. We’re swamped in the kitchen without Vic.”

“Yeah, she’s having some time with her niece,” Robert said proudly. He always felt proud when he talked about Lily.

“Oh,” Aaron said softly. “You could have brought her. I wouldn’t have minded. I don’t bite.” Then he considered. “Well, not children anyway.” He had a mischievous glint in his eyes and it was clear he was pushing it, and Robert flushed. Here he was, a man in his forties and Aaron could still make him blush with a few quick words, like he was a school boy. Aaron laughed under his breath before taking a sip of his drink. It was easy like this between them, the casual banter, neither of them had to try. Not when it was just the two of them.

“Have you had relationships?” Robert asked before he could stop himself. Aaron looked at the table. “I’m just… I want to know. I’m nosey.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “A couple. It’s been ten years Robert.”

“I’m not criticising,” he said. “Just… I always wanted to know everything about you.”

“No one really…”

“Stuck,” Robert supplied and Aaron nodded, grateful. He understood that, because he’d tried to move on too. The problem was, once you’d been with someone who was your perfect match, everyone else just paled in comparison. Or so Robert had discovered, anyway. No one could possibly match up to Aaron for him and eventually he’d stopped trying. Well, for relationships anyway. He still went out on the pull every now and then, but it was more scratching the itch. It certainly wasn’t the same.

“I miss… how easy it was with you,” Aaron admitted.

“It was never particularly easy,” Robert reminded him and Aaron smiled. 

“Us, our relationship, no that wasn’t easy,” Aaron agreed. “But being with you, being around you… I never had to hide, or be careful about what I’d say, you know? You just… got me.” Robert does know, he knows all too well. “Even at the beginning, it just… spending time with you was so simple.”

“Aaron,” Robert said softly. “We’re not together. I don't know if we ever can be, I think maybe too much time has passed and it’s too late.” Aaron flinched, but Robert couldn’t lie to himself or Aaron. Maybe too much really had happened. This wasn’t a fairytale. It didn't have a magic perfect ending.

“I should…” Aaron looked at the bar, the uncomfortable feeling rising between them.

Robert noticed Aaron’s rolled up sleeves and he can’t help but look at his forearms, searching for the familiar scars there. But they’re gone. “Yeah, er…” Aaron started, clearing his throat. “They faded. I haven’t done that in a while.”

“I’m glad,” Robert said softly. “Really.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Counselling helped.”

“Do you still go?”

“No,” Aaron said. “I did after… you, but not anymore.”

“I went too,” Robert said. That did surprise Aaron, he could tell.

“Why?”

“Self destructive, manipulative, lonely,” Robert said. “A host of father issues, and that was just for starters.” Aaron smiled at him.

“Maybe you’ve got a point,” Aaron said, shrugging. “How are you?” Robert opened his mouth to say fine, but Aaron stopped him. “I mean, really. Not just… I’m fine because that’s what you say and I don’t really want to get into it.”

“I am fine,” Robert said. “Most days, it’s okay.”

“But you’re not happy,” Aaron pushed.

“You know that how?” Robert said, irritated.

“I looked at you,” Aaron said and Robert sighed. Sometimes he forgot how well Aaron knew him. Time hadn’t dulled it at all, not really.

“I make it until tomorrow,” Robert said. “I don’t look further forward than tomorrow. I make plans for Lily, I… my life didn’t turn out the way I planned it, but I do have a life I built.”

“Don’t,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “Don’t try and make me feel guilty.”

“I wasn’t,” Robert said softly. “You always carried too much guilt, that's the last thing I'd want. You asked.”

“Yeah, my mistake,” Aaron said, looking uncomfortable.

“Let’s just… talk about something else,” Robert suggested. “How’s your mum?”

“Married,” Aaron said, surprising him. “Michael. He’s… nice, boring. But it makes her happy so I can’t complain too much.”

“I’m glad,” Robert said. The tense atmosphere was beginning to creep in again, and Robert wondered if it had been a mistake coming here in the first place. “I should go. This probably wasn’t the best idea.”

“I want to see you again,” Aaron said. His tone was sure, but not demanding. “I… can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.”

“Aaron,” Robert said, shaking his head. “I can’t slip back into old patterns. I won’t make it if I do, if I start relying on you again.” Aaron looked so sad.

“I want to meet Lily,” Aaron said. “I’d like to meet your daughter.”

“Would you?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “Of course I would. If she’s anything like you, she’ll be a handful.”

Robert laughed slightly. “Yeah, she is. But I wouldn’t have her any other way, she lights up my life.”

“You’re a good dad,” Aaron said. He’d said this before, but it was like he was reiterating it. “I want to meet her.”

“Okay,” Robert said. “We’ll arrange that.”

“Good,” Aaron said.

“I’d bring her over now, but I think if I took her away from Vic’s baking I’d be deeply unpopular with both of them. I try, but I can’t cook the way she can.” Aaron smiled, a genuine smile that took years off him.

“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “Your cooking was really good the way I remember it.” Aaron caught his eye and neither looked away, the almost magnetic charge between them so apparent.

“Aaron!” Chas shouted from behind the bar.

“I should go,” Aaron said. “I’ll message you, yeah?”

“Sounds good,” Robert said sincerely. It did sound good. Also nerve wracking, but good and he would look forward to it. “Thanks for meeting.”

“Thanks for showing up,” Robert said. It would have been so easy for either of them to back out, but Robert felt glad he hadn’t. However, he didn’t want to push it, so he finished his drink, nodded at Aaron behind the bar and left. He’d sit in his car for a while, wait for Lily to completely tire herself and Vic out before picking her up. Talking with Aaron had been short, but it had given him a lot to think about.

* * *

 

When Robert picked up Lily, Vic studied him carefully. “You look sad,” she said as Robert shifted Lily in his arms, the girl asleep on his shoulder.

“Thinking of missed opportunities,” Robert said, stroking Lily’s hair. “I’m okay.”

“I knew you seeing Aaron was a mistake,” Vic said, shaking her head critically.

“It wasn’t,” Robert said. “Thanks for looking after her.”

“Soon?” Vic hated going so long without seeing him, so it was a habit to push for him to arrange something. She missed him.

“Yes,” Robert said. “I won’t keep her away for so long next time, I promise.” Vic seemed pleased with that as Robert put Lily in the car to drive home. He had a lot on his mind.

* * *

“Aaron, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Chas almost spat at him in the back room.

“I’m a grown man, it’s none of your business.”

“You’ve spent years trying to get over that man!” she snapped. “Now, at the first opportunity, you go on a date with him?”

“It’s not a date,” Aaron said, scowling. “Not anything like it, we were just catching up.”

“But why?!” she asked, clearly exasperated. “You’ve been doing so well without him!”

“Have I?” Aaron asked. “Really? I’m in my thirties, I still live with my mother above a pub, I have had no meaningful relationship since Robert, not really, and I get so lonely. I’ve got no one to so much as talk to any more, people wander into my life, then out of it. Am I doing well without him, mum? Really?”

“You could find someone,” Chas said. “If you really wanted to, but you seemed happy on your own. Also, you don’t just kip in the spare room, you are part owner of this place.”

“It’s not what I thought my life would be,” Aaron said. “When we had the Mill, and I got married to Robert, when all that happened, that was the life I wanted. I could see how the next ten, twenty years of my life were going to be. Honestly? I still want it, it’s just gone and I can’t get it back. Even if Seb was here, and was Robert’s, I don’t know if it’d change anything. Because he wasn’t really the problem.”

“He’s not Robert’s?” Chas asked, and Aaron quickly filled her in. “Oh.”

“After all this time, though,” Aaron said. “I don’t know if it even matters. It doesn’t,” he realised.

“You’re going to get back with him, aren’t you?” Chas said critically.

“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “I’m not sure he wants to, he seems… different.”

“Different how?” Chas asked.

More hesitant, more wary, more broken, Aaron thought but didn’t say. The old Robert would jump headfirst into what he wanted and screw the consequences, sometimes quite literally. But talking with Robert now, it was like he was extra careful about how he behaved and what he said. Aaron wondered how much of that was from their break up, their break down, and how much was just simply the passing of time. “Older,” Aaron said simply. “He’s not quite as… I can’t really word it, but he is different.”

“ _He’s changed, he loves me_ , I’ve heard it all before, Aaron. I can’t believe you’d do this to yourself again!”

“Woah, I’m not doing anything,” Aaron said. “I’m talking to him, and I’m going to meet his daughter, that’s all.”

“I know you, Aaron,” Chas said. “That’s never all there is to it when it comes to him.”

“Even if you’re right, I don’t care. I’m an adult who can make my own choices,” Aaron said. “If it was the other way around, if you could have Carl back for a day, an hour, would you?”

That brought Chas up short for a few seconds “Carl and me had an… intense relationship. It wasn’t all good, some of it was really bad.”

“But would you?” Aaron pushed. “If he wandered back into that bar, and you had the option, would you walk away? Would it even be possible to walk away from that?” Chas didn’t answer, which was more than okay with Aaron. At least he’d made her think, and he left the pub to get some peace and quiet.

* * *

On Monday, Robert booked an appointment with his therapist.

* * *

“Robert, I’ve not seen you in a while,” Lauren said as he sat down in her office. He used the same therapist he had years ago, and she’d aged a little, but still looked elegant, calming and she had a soothing aura about her which Robert couldn’t help but like, especially when he’d been talking about his private emotions, something that didn’t come easily to him.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I’ve been getting along fine for a bit. Plus your fees are a bit expensive.” She smiled slightly, familiar with his deflection.

“Why are you here?” she asked gently.

“I’ve been seeing Aaron again,” Robert said. Then realised how that sounded. “No, we’re not in a relationship, I bumped into him and we’ve been meeting up to talk.”

“Where did you bump into him?” Lauren asked.

“The pub he owns,” Robert said. “That sounds bad, but I didn’t know he owned it before I went in.”

“Is that what’s brought you here?”

“Yes,” Robert said firmly. “Because I’ve no clue what to do next.”

“How did you feel when you saw him?” she asked.

“Shocked,” Robert said. “At first, and then… God, I miss him so much.”

“Still?” she asked. “Last time I saw you, you’d tentatively started seeing someone else.”

“Yeah, that didn’t last,” Robert said dismissively. It hadn’t, and Robert had only started seeing him because he needed to feel like he was moving on, making progress. Now here he was ten years later, back at square one.

“Have you been single since I last saw you?” Lauren asked.

“Not entirely,” Robert said. “I get lonely, same as everyone else, but there’s not really been anyone special. Lily. She fills my life, I love watching her grow up.”

“Do you want to be back with Aaron?” she asked levelly. It was a question Robert had been very much avoiding, because the truth was he didn’t know. Did he want to have Aaron back in his life, did he want to hold him, share his days with him and love him? Yes, of course he did. But he also knew how volatile they could be together. If they got back together and combusted spectacularly, Robert didn’t know if he’d survive it for a second time, and he needed to. For Lily, if not for himself, he couldn’t afford to fall to pieces. He was going to be a better father than his own and thousands of other poor parents out there, because she deserved it.

“Honestly, I ache for him so much, and seeing him again, talking to him… it hurts because it’s so familiar and it’s just the way it used to be.” Robert cleared his throat. “But I’m so scared. If we got together again, and didn’t make it work, I’m terrified that I wouldn’t recover from it a second time. I spent months at the bottom of a whisky bottle the first time, before I came to see you in the first place. I’ve got a daughter now, I can’t do that again.”

“No one made you drink yourself into oblivion for months,” Lauren said. “It wasn’t Aaron’s fault you turned to alcohol for your crutch. You made those choices, and if it were to happen again, you could make different ones.”

“I don’t trust myself,” Robert said. “If it were to blow up, I don’t trust myself to put Lily first. I know how it feels to lose him and I can’t go through that again. I won’t. It’s indescribably painful.”

“Robert, I can't make your mind up for you,” Lauren said. “If that’s what you’re here for.”

“I don’t know,” Robert said. “I just want something to make it easy.”

She sighed, seemingly long suffering. “How would you feel if you didn’t see him again?” she asked. “If this was it, if there was no more Aaron, no more chance meetings, nothing. It was off the table. How would that make you feel?”

“Awful,” Robert said honestly, the empty hollowness already filling him. That’s when he realised that it was probably already too late. He’d only seen him three times this decade, and already he was in too deep.

* * *

 

When Aaron messaged him, inviting both him and Lily to come to the pub to watch some important football match over the weekend, Robert only hesitated for a few seconds before agreeing. He had said, after all, that Aaron would meet Lily, and what better time than when the pub was full. Less temptation from Aaron shaped distractions that way, or so he told himself.

* * *

“Are we going to see Auntie Vic again?” Lily asked.

“Yes,” Robert settled on. It was easier than the long winded explanation. “There’ll probably be a lot of people in the pub, but you’re going to behave, right?”

“Of course I am!” she said. Robert thought she probably would, she was a good girl. Though he was already going grey imagining the teenage antics she would most likely get up to. If it was anything like his example, he had a nightmare few years in store.

Robert parked up, seeing a lot of other cars littering the village. It was clearly an all out affair, because the pub was packed for lunch time. Lily almost hugged herself to Robert’s leg as he moved through the melee of people and in the end, Robert just picked her up. It was easier, to stop her being squashed by people who couldn’t see her.

Aaron was behind the bar and he looked at Robert with… was that relief? “Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” Robert echoed.

“So this must be Lily,” Aaron said, smiling at the girl. Robert sat her on the edge of the bar (there was no other space available) and she looked at Aaron critically.

“How do you know my name?” she asked.

“Your dad told me,” Aaron said, nodding at Robert. “My name’s Aaron. He’s an old friend of mine.”

“How old?” Lily asked.

“Oh, I’ve known him for… twelve years, thirteen years maybe,” Aaron said. Lily’s mouth hung open like she couldn’t comprehend such a long period of time.

“That’s really old!” she squealed.

“Thanks munchkin,” Robert said sarcastically, making Aaron laugh as Robert tapped her nose playfully.

“A pint?” he asked.

“And an orange juice,” Robert agreed. “Thanks.” Even though Robert would be driving later, he felt safe to have a drink. They had a match to watch first, and it’d probably take hours so the alcohol would wear off. He needed something to steady his nerves a little, even after all this time. Aaron brought their drinks over and Lily almost devoured hers.

Just before the match started, Aaron found his way to Robert’s side, obviously not working and not intending to. He brought Robert and Lily over another drink and he nodded gratefully.

“What happened to the Mill?” Robert asked. It was something that had been bothering him, as neither Aaron nor Liv seemed to live there at the moment. Aaron shrugged.

“Nothing, it’s still there,” he said.

“You know what I mean,” Robert pushed.

“It’s empty,” Aaron said. “It’s there, I still own it, but I don’t live there anymore.”

“Do you rent it out?” Robert asked.

“No,” Aaron said. Then shifted uncomfortably. “It was always meant to be our place. Once you left it didn’t really feel like home. I stayed there up until the pub started getting into trouble, but… it wasn’t really a difficult choice to leave. It was ours, Robert, it was never mine and I missed you.” For Aaron that’s really emotional and Robert took a few seconds for Aaron to almost shrug it off, like it didn’t matter. But Robert knew him too well, it did matter, almost too much.

“Are you daddy’s boyfriend?” Lily piped up. Both men looked at her in an uncomfortable silence.

“Er… no sweetheart,” Robert said, stroking her hair gently. “Aaron’s an old friend, that’s all.”

“Oh,” she said. She looked at Aaron, shook her head, and then went to play with all the other kids in the corner. Bossing them about, more like.

“She knows you have boyfriends, then?” Aaron asked when they were alone.

“Er, yeah,” Robert said. “Well, sort of. One. It didn’t really last, but yeah.”

“She doesn’t…”

“Kids are more accepting than adults in my experience,” Robert said, shrugging it off. “I just told her that sometimes boys like boys, or girls, or both. I told her that it’s fine, and then she asked me for chocolate.” Aaron smiled. “It really is simple for her, and I never want her to feel like I’ll be unaccepting. I never want her to feel the way I did.”

“I understand that,” Aaron said softly. His hand slid onto Robert’s thigh, and it was clear that Aaron hadn’t planned it before he’d moved, both men staring at his hand. Robert could feel the warmth of him through his jeans and Aaron squeezed a little, making Robert sigh and close his eyes.

“Aaron…” Robert said lowly.

“Do you want me to move?” Aaron asked, daring him.

“Yes,” Robert said. But before Aaron could take his touch away, Robert covered his palm and slid it a little higher up his leg. Aaron’s eyes darkened with interest, fingers curling around his thigh. Robert looked at him, couldn’t not. He could drown in those eyes, has. It was as if the rest of the world, everyone else in the pub simply didn’t exist. Aaron did that thing he always does, eyes flicking down to Robert’s lips. His eyes always gave him away before his movements did. Robert didn’t argue, he’d missed Aaron so much, and he didn’t think anything else before Aaron’s lips were softly on his. Robert closed his eyes, stopping breathing as he tasted his ex husband.

The kiss was probably so brief, but it changed everything for Robert. When Aaron pulled back, his eyes flicked upstairs, and Robert stopped pretending he didn’t know where this was going to end up. Aaron had always been completely undeniable and time hadn’t changed it at all. He squeezed Aaron’s hand and nodded, slipping out of the pub while everyone’s attention was on the match on the big screen.

Robert didn’t feel that bad leaving Lily in the pub. Vic was there keeping an eye on her, and while he didn’t get on with Chas particularly well, he trusted her with a child. Robert also realised he probably wasn’t thinking too clearly either. He followed Aaron up the stairs. He still had the same bedroom he had ten or eleven years ago, though the interior had changed a bit. Then Aaron filled his vision and he stopped thinking about the bloody room. Aaron didn’t ask, that wasn’t really his style, it never had been, he just took. He kissed him, deeply, passionately, breath stealingly good and Robert gasped when their lips parted. Aaron looked at him, a raised eyebrow as if daring him, and Robert was always up for a challenge. Robert kissed him again, pouring all he had into that kiss. Aaron tasted familiar, and yet not. Like the ghost of a touch Robert should remember better than he did. Aaron’s palms went to his shirt, and pushed it out of the way, warm skin touching his abdomen and higher.

Robert stopped thinking. This was always the bit they’d got right.

* * *

“Sorry,” Aaron grunted, which was the first thing Robert heard when he came back to himself, face wedged against the mattress.

“For what?” Robert asked, gingerly moving out of bed, his body sore and tired. It had been sometime since he’d had sex, even longer since he’d had this kind of bone deep, satisfying sex. His body wasn’t quite used to it. Funny how things change.

“We didn’t use anything,” Aaron said lowly. No, they hadn’t. Robert hadn’t even thought about a condom, he’d been focusing on feeling Aaron’s body again, feeling connected to him again. The touch, the scent of him. The feeling, the way they fit together so perfectly.

“It’s alright,” Robert said, grabbing his jeans and slowly getting dressed. “I’m clean.” There was a silence from Aaron which was telling. “Oh.”

“I mean… I probably am, but I’ve not been tested in a while, and… oh shit,” Aaron ended, almost flinging himself into the bed.

“Don’t,” Robert said, shaking his head slowly. “It’s my fault as much as yours, it was both of us.”

“You don’t have to go,” Aaron said, watching him get dressed.

“Yes, I do,” Robert said. “Lily, got to get her home. Plus… I don’t think spending the night here with you is a good idea regardless.”

“Why?” Aaron asked, looking hurt.

“Because…” Robert started. “This isn’t the beginning of us again. I can’t. I can’t get back with you Aaron, I’ve thought about it from every angle for weeks now and I just can’t.”

“So what the hell was this?!” Aaron asked, looking incredibly pissed off.

“Aaron, just…”

“Just what?!” he snapped.

“I love you,” Robert said, effectively stopping him from ranting. “I’ve never stopped, I probably never will. It’s the one constant in my life that has never changed over the years. But I can’t be with you. When we’re together, we hurt each other so badly, and if it happened again, there is no way I’d get over it. I can’t risk letting my life fall apart again, Aaron. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.”

Aaron looked so unbelievably hurt that it hurt Robert to even look at him. “Then get out,” Aaron said hollowly. Robert nodded at him. Probably best.

* * *

Robert made a plan. He knew only one person who had the nearest thing to what Robert could term a soul mate. Someone who was  _ It _ , the way Aaron undoubtedly was for him. Andy. It might be a risk going to talk to him, but Robert and Andy had got on a bit better in the last few years. They’d grown up and come to terms with each other and the men they now were. Not the boys filled with hate and jealousy and resentment from back then. Andy was also grateful that Robert had proved his freedom, so he could come home, even though he’d never returned to Yorkshire. He’d met someone, Julie, and settled down on a farm in Scotland.

So, as soon as Lily broke up for the school holidays at Christmas, Robert packed the car, going up north. He had had no contact with Aaron since they’d slept together. The only thing he’d heard from him was a text message with “I’ve been checked. Clean.” which Robert appreciated, even if that wasn’t exactly how he hoped the conversation would go.

When he got to Andy’s, his brother smiled at him, welcoming him in. “You staying for Christmas?” he asked, when they’d had a cup of tea in the kitchen.

“No,” Robert said. “A flying visit. There’s gifts from me and Lily in the car.”

“What do you want, Rob?” Andy asked, being blunt as per usual.

“I’ll just… go,” Julie said, squeezing Andy’s shoulder in passing as she took Lily outside to see the animals for which Robert felt very grateful. 

“You never visit me, it’s got to be something big,” Andy said.

“It’s awkward,” Robert said, wondering where to begin. “I er… I’ve been meeting up with Aaron for a bit.”

“ _ Aaron _ , Aaron?” Andy asked and Robert nodded.

“I guess I’m here for advice. I am… fucked and I don’t know what to do.”

“God, it must be bad if you want to talk to me,” Andy said. “What is it?”

“I think… I don’t know if I should get back with him.”

“Why talk to me?” Andy asked.

“Because I think you know what it’s like to have someone that you absolutely can’t live without and then lose them,” Robert said. He knew that with Katie history, he was pushing it, but he didn’t care. If anyone could understand what he felt, losing someone you loved so deeply, it’d be Andy. He stirred his tea, thinking.

“It’s different, with Katie,” Andy said.

“I know,” Robert said.

“I don’t know if I can talk about her with you,” Andy said. “After everything.”

“I didn’t kill her, Andy,” Robert said firmly. “I was there, I’m not going to deny that, but I didn’t kill her.”

“Pushed her though, didn’t you?” Andy said. Robert unbuttoned his shirt to show the gunshot wound on his chest.

“Not like I got off scot free is it?” Robert said. Andy didn’t have an answer for that.

“Tell me everything that happened, Robert,” Andy said. “You never have, not a version that hasn’t been covered with your lies.”

Robert thought about it, then nodded. “Okay,” he said. “That’s fair.” Robert recounted that day, his first wedding day, only struggling when he got to the moment he met up with Aaron at the barn. “Aaron wanted me to pick him. I never would have, not then. I couldn’t accept who I was, and even if Aaron had been a woman, I probably wouldn’t have left Chrissie anyway. I needed that life I’d tried so hard to build. But Aaron wasn’t having it, he was determined I should pick him. The fact I made myself late for my wedding because I was so desperate to see him probably should have been a clue in the first place.”

“You think?” Andy said sarcastically.

“Aaron had set me up,” Robert said. When I didn’t pick him, he messaged Katie to come up to Wylies. Because he knew she’d see us together, and Katie had been adamant I’d been having an affair for weeks.”

“She’d been right, you mean,” Andy said.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “She got a picture of us kissing on her phone and Aaron basically upped and left because I wouldn’t chose him.” Robert swallowed uncomfortably. “I argued with Katie. Told her I’d give her the farm for free if she’d just keep her mouth shut. She wasn’t having it. I told her she could even keep the photo for insurance, but no. She wasn’t budging. I struggled with her to get the phone so I could delete it. I pushed her, she fell, the floor collapsed.”

Andy was crying. “Was she… alive?” he asked. “Did you leave her there to die on her own?”

“By the time I got down the stairs, she was dead,” Robert said. “Couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. I didn’t plan on killing her, Andy.”

“You left her there though,” Andy said. “You left her dead body there all alone because it screwed with your perfect plans.”

“Yeah I did,” Robert said. “But I’m not a murderer. Not like you planned to be.”

The silence stretched after Robert’s words, and Andy was taking it in. “Okay,” Andy said. Katie was a subject filled with pain for them both and an awkward silence filled the air between them. He abandoned his tea and went for the whisky. “Want one?”

“Yeah,” Robert said. They dropped the conversation. It was a long time ago after all, nothing they said no could change what happened back then.

* * *

“Right, I’m going to feed the cows up at the top field,” Andy decided, looking at Robert pointedly. “I need the fresh air if we’re going to have this conversation.” Robert grabbed his coat and followed him.

“You wanted to talk about Aaron,” Andy said.

“Er… yeah,” Robert said. “I feel so lost without him. But… I’m so afraid that if we get back together, it’s all going to go spectacularly wrong. I’m not sure I could cope with losing him twice.”

“You must be in a bad way to come to me with this,” Andy said.

“Well, it’s Christmas,” Robert said. “You had to see me anyway.” Andy let out a humourless smile.

“Do you still love him?” Andy asked.

“I don’t think I ever stopped,” Robert said. “I see him and… it’s like no time’s passed at all. I’ve tried with other people, relationships just don’t seem to stick. I miss him so much.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Andy asked.

“I’m scared, Andy. I’m scared of what letting him in again would mean. He has all of me, he always did.”

“If I could have one day with Katie again, I would,” Andy said. “Without a second thought, I’d take those hours every single time.”

“You’re married,” Robert pointed out.

“Yeah,” Andy said. “I love Julie. But it’s not the same. It’s not…”

“All consuming,” Robert supplied.

“Yeah,” Andy said, leaping on the description. “She knows that too, it isn’t the same. Her first husband died in Iraq, so…”

“I know,” Robert said.

“She gets it. We both need the company and the companionship. We like having this place that we built together, but we don’t lie. We know it’s not the same.” Both men looked over the valley, the landscape slightly different from Yorkshire.

“I don’t know what to do,” Robert said.

“You know exactly what to do,” Andy said. “You’re just frightened to do it.”

“You might have a point there,” Robert said fairly. “Thanks.”

* * *

 

“What’s wrong with you?!” Chas snapped. “You’ve been in a mood for weeks, and it’s Christmas!”

“I’m not in a mood,” Aaron grumbled. It was a lie, he’d been pissed off ever since Robert had slept with him then left. He’d sent Robert a text out of decency, letting him know he’d been checked and was clean afterwards, but otherwise they’d not spoken or messaged at all. It was the longest they’d gone not interacting in any way since he’d come home. Just a few short weeks ago, how had so much changed since then?

“Spill,” Chas said. “Talk to me.” Aaron hesitated, sitting on the sofa in the back room. “This is about Robert Sugden isn’t it?”

“Yeah, all right,” Aaron said. “It is.”

“What’s he done this time?” Chas said, voice heavy, like she expected this by now. Maybe she did.

“I slept with him a couple of weeks ago,” Aaron said. “When he was here for the football match.”

“Oh, Aaron,” Chas said, disappointed. “He always gets his hooks into you.”

“No, it wasn’t… it wasn’t him, it was me. I was the one who… it doesn’t matter anyway, that seems to have been pretty much the end. We’ve not spoken since.”

“Why?” Chas asked, like she didn’t want to hear the answer.

“Because he doesn’t want me,” Aaron said. Chas scoffed. Even she didn’t believe that. “He said we’re a disaster together and he couldn’t put himself through it again.” Aaron shook his head. “He seems broken since I last knew him. Fragile. I never knew him like that before. Before he’d always go after what he wanted, he was arrogant and demanding. Not like this.”

“I don’t like him,” Chas said and Aaron scoffed. “But… he was a complete disaster when you went to prison. He was falling to pieces, and then those months without you. I don’t blame him for thinking he can’t go through it again. He was a complete mess, Aaron.”

“Because I didn’t hurt, did I?” Aaron said. “He never hurt me. Losing him didn’t cut me to pieces, did it?”

“Do you really want him back?” Chas asked. Aaron nodded after not much thought. “Why?”

“Sometimes I get so lonely,” Aaron said. “I like talking to him. I like having someone who knows me. He knows every single thing about me, and I know every single thing about him. We’ve wasted so many years because we didn’t talk to each other. We could have been together years ago, but we never managed to talk to each other properly. We’re trying to fix that. Please don’t go sticking your nose in because you think I shouldn’t be with him.”

“I won’t,” Chas said. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t,” Aaron said. “I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. But I want a messy life with him, rather than a sensible one alone. I miss him so much.”

“Then do what you think’s best,” Chas said, giving him a hug. She left, and that left Aaron to think over the things he hadn’t said. Sleeping with Robert again had been incredible. It had felt so good. Aaron thought he’d remembered how mind stopping they were when they were together, but it was quite clear that he hadn’t. Robert could still play his body perfectly. In fact, it had almost been better than before. He’d always been good, considerate in bed, but it was like he’d reached another level. Aaron would be lying if he said he hadn’t been replaying that night from the moment Robert had walked out of the pub, even if his pride wanted to deny it.

Aaron went upstairs and he did something he hadn’t done in years. In a drawer that kept all the important paperwork for the scrapyard, there was a set of keys. The keys to the Mill. He grabbed them and left the pub, going to a place he once thought his future could be. Hoping that maybe it would be there again.

* * *

 

Unlocking the door to the Mill, Aaron gave it a shove because it was sticking in the door frame slightly. He coughed when he was in, the dust clouds very prevalent. Maybe he should have hired a cleaner to go around here every once in a while. The place hadn’t been touched in years, not really. Every so often Liv came here, either to dump some stuff off, or to pick some things up, but no one actually lived here anymore. This was meant to be their home. This was meant to be their beautiful family home that Robert had done up for them while Aaron was in prison, to come home to, to spend a happy life with. Then Rebecca had happened, and Seb, and not talking, and spice, and hurt and pain and shutting each other out completely and it had all fallen apart.

This was a nice house. It was only the memories that stopped Aaron living here, he still owned the thing after all. He could move in, if he wanted to. His mother wouldn’t be breathing down his neck, he’d get a bit of privacy, regardless of what happened with Robert.

“This was always ours,” he said to himself. “God, I miss you so much. I never stopped.”

Touching Robert again had been like tasting something he couldn’t truly have. Would it have been better if he’d not taken that leap of faith, if he’d not slept with Robert then? It had been a while for him, and there was Robert sitting opposite him looking gorgeous and Aaron had gone for it. Probably a stupid idea in retrospect. But then, he’d never made much sense when it came to Robert.

“It’s over,” Aaron said to the empty house. “Sitting here regretting the past won’t bring it back.” Aaron gripped the keys tightly, and left the house, locking it up the way he’d found it, the dust settling back into place.

* * *

In the end, it was a picture perfect Christmas. The snow fell lightly on Christmas eve, making the whole world seem quiet. Aaron had said he’d lock up the pub, mainly because he wanted to be on his own. There weren’t many people in the pub on Christmas eve, a couple of pensioners and a middle aged dad who’d had an argument with his kids, but most people were tucked up with their families. _A family you don’t have,_ an uncomfortable voice said, prickling up his spine. It was all very well, living with his mum, but it wasn’t the same as crafting a life with someone he loved. He missed Robert so much, and here in the darkness, he could admit it. He’d sat here before, with Robert, able to smell stale beer and him, completely filling his senses.

Aaron locked up when he was alone, poured himself a pint, and sat by the fire, thinking. He had to go after Robert. He wanted him so much, and a decade away from him hadn’t lessened it. If anything, the longing was more potent. Before he could talk himself out of it, he called Robert, waiting for the phone to connect with his heart thumping hard.

* * *

It had taken a long afternoon at the park, in freezing temperatures for Lily to tire herself out. Getting her to sleep on Christmas eve had always been tricky. Robert poked his head around her bedroom door once more before smiling and going downstairs, arranging her presents in the living room. They’d got back from Andy’s on the 23rd and Robert had done nothing but think about him, what he’d said and Aaron since. Basically, he wanted Aaron. It would be so easy to just sink back into what they once had, trying to learn how each other had changed, how they hadn’t, and how after everything, Robert knew he still loved him. He knew that better than anything he’d ever known in his life. He loved Aaron with his whole broken heart and he always would do.

His phone buzzed on the sofa, and he quickly picked it up, God forbid anything wake Lily from her sleep.

“Yes?” he said lowly, as quiet as he could get away with.

“Hi.” He recognised Aaron’s voice, hadn’t looked at who was calling before he answered it.

“Oh,” Robert said. “Hi.” They hadn’t spoken since they’d slept together, even though Robert had badly wanted to. “I er… I don’t actually have anything to say,” Robert added nervously.

Aaron laughed a little, reassuring him. “Yeah, I don’t really… um…” he cleared his throat. “The other night…”

“Yeah,” Robert said. “I don’t regret it, by the way. Maybe you do, that’d be fine, but I don’t. I never could.”

“Yeah, I er…” Aaron started. “I don’t regret it. It felt… like it had been too long.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, sitting on the sofa. “It did.” Silence spread between them, thick with tension. “Aaron, why did you call?” Robert said eventually.

“I… “ Aaron was debating what to say, Robert could feel it. There was a time he’d got so used to reading Aaron, he’d almost be able to tell what he was thinking before Aaron verbalised it. Even now he still could read him well, even though he wasn’t entirely sure what was bothering him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Aaron said. “I just… Merry Christmas.”

That wasn’t what Aaron wanted to tell him, Robert knew that, but he let it go.

“Yeah, Merry Christmas, Aaron,” Robert said. Aaron hung up and Robert sighed. “I am so in love with you it hurts,” Robert said to himself. Then he sighed, and focused on Lily’s day tomorrow. She’d have a good one, he promised himself.

Aaron threw his phone across the pub. Why couldn’t he just say what he wanted to? Why did he stop himself like this?

* * *

Lily had a good Christmas. Robert was so pleased, because all he wanted was for her childhood to be good and happy and full of love and laughter and friends (even if that meant a friend coming over on Boxing day, disrupting Robert’s holiday peace and quiet with squeals and over excited giggles).

It was late on the twenty eighth when Aaron called again, his name flashing up on the screen. “Hi,” Robert said, sitting in his arm chair with a glass of whisky, hoping to hear his voice.

“Er… hi,” Aaron said. Even across the phone line and across the years, he sounded nervous, Robert could tell.

“What do you want?”

“To… ask how your Christmas went,” Aaron said.

Robert knew that wasn’t the reason, but he willingly went into detail about Lily and her gifts, and pointless Christmas television to fill the silence. Aaron would get to the point, Robert knew he would. “How about you?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said briefly. “Good. What are you doing for new year?”

Ah, Robert thought. We’re getting to the point. “Staying in with a bottle of scotch. Why, did you have a better idea?” he pushed gently.

“Yeah, I did actually,” Aaron said, emboldened by Robert’s tone. He’d heard that soft persuasive tone a lot over the years and it felt wonderfully familiar to him. “I wondered if you wanted to come over to the village? I er… really want to see you.”

“I don’t know,” Robert said, and he could almost feel Aaron’s walls going up. “No, I want to!” Robert put in quickly “I really want to, but getting a babysitter on New Years Eve might be… difficult.”

Aaron hesitated, just for a bit. “Bring her,” Aaron said. “There’s going to be a big party at the pub, a load of the kids are going to be sleeping in the back room while the adults have fun, she’s more than welcome.”

“So I can dump her with everyone else while you and I sneak off somewhere?”

“Well…”

“That sounds perfect,” Robert said. “I’d love that.”

“Great,” Aaron said. “The party starts at six, which means eight, but if you want to bring Lily early so she can get settled…”

“Thanks,” Robert said. “Is er… your mum, Chas, is she okay with this?”

“I didn’t ask her permission,” Aaron said sarcastically and Robert let it drop. Chas was not his problem to worry about.

“Aaron?” Robert said. “Thank you. I… really want to spend New Years with you.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Aaron said. “See you in a couple of days.”

* * *

Robert had been a little apprehensive about bringing Lily, but within twenty minutes she was glued to Eve’s side, Belle’s daughter. The two of them with their bent blonde heads looked like they were planning trouble, and as Belle didn’t drink, Robert felt happy leaving Lily with them. Lily barely looked up when Robert told her he was going out the front of the pub, busy playing with Eve already. Robert smiled easily, and went through to the front. Or he tried to, he was stopped by Chas standing in the hallway.

“What do you want?” Robert said heavily. “Aaron said it was okay to bring her.”

“Oh, she’s no trouble,” Chas said, wafting her hand in the direction of the back room. “No, it’s you I’m concerned about.”

“What about me?” Robert said, deciding to humour her. It was the quickest way, he knew that from experience.

“You hurt Aaron more than I’ve ever seen him be hurt,” Chas said. “He’s my baby, and he’s gone through a lot in his life, but you topped the lot. It took him years to get over it.”

“I know,” Robert said firmly. “I did not walk back into his life lightly. Anything I did that hurt him, it took me years to get over too. I loved him with my whole heart. It just wasn’t enough to stop me being a fuck up. I regret it, I always will, especially because we wasted so much time. I will never hurt him again.”

“I doubt that,” Chas said acidly.

“I won’t,” Robert said. “Because… hurting him just hurt me over and over again. Plus… I’m not exactly getting my hopes up that he’s going to want me again.”

“He does,” Chas said. “There’s not really been anyone else, and I don’t know if he ever stopped missing you.” Robert didn’t really know what to do with that information, so he said nothing. Chas clearly wasn’t waiting for a reply, because she walked into the back room, presumably to keep an eye on the kids. Robert went out to the front and saw Aaron serving behind the bar. It hadn’t yet got massively busy for new year, but it would soon and Aaron nodded at Robert, his eyes brightening as he finished talking to the customers.

“Hi,” he said, looking at him, both behind the bar. “I’m glad you came.”

“Yeah,” Robert agreed.

“I er…” Aaron reached below the bar producing a full bottle of whisky and two glasses. “Want to get out of here before the rabble arrive?”

Robert looked back, thinking of Lily and hesitating. “My mum and Belle have your number,” Aaron said, understanding the problem. Robert nodded, grateful.

“Okay,” Robert said, a smile hovering over his lips. “Yeah, lets get some peace.” Aaron grinned and left, nodding at the waitress who didn’t exactly look pleased to be left on her own on one of the busiest nights of the year. “So… what’s your plan?” Robert asked after making sure his phone wasn’t on silent, in case Lily had a problem.

“I had an idea,” Aaron said, looking a little nervous now. “Do you trust me?”

“Always,” Robert said. Aaron almost glowed and followed Aaron in the darkness. He’d follow wherever Aaron led, he always had right from the very beginning.

* * *

That was until Robert realised where they were going. “Aaron,” he said warningly, grabbing his wrist. “Where…”

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Aaron said.

“No,” Robert said, heart beating fast. “It’s fine.”

“I came here on my own the other day,” Aaron said, walking towards the Mill, Robert following half a step behind him. “To think.”

“About what?” Robert asked, feet following the almost familiar path down to the front door.

“Us,” Aaron said. “You. How we met.”

“I think we’ve been over that one enough,” Robert said darkly as Aaron unlocked the door. “You could live here, you know.”

“I didn’t want to,” Aaron said. “Not without you.” The electricity didn’t work, it’d been cut off years ago, but Aaron had brought a torch just in case. Luckily it was a clear night, and the moon was shining into the living room, so they weren’t in complete darkness.

“Why am I here, Aaron?” Robert said bluntly.

“Because,” Aaron said with a shrug. “I don’t think I ever thanked you for what you did for me back then.” Robert frowned. “You kept me going. There were so many times that you were the  _ only  _ thing that kept me going. Knowing that you were building a house for us when I was trapped inside, knowing that you didn’t give up on me. Having some kind of life when I got out… I never told you how much that mattered.”

“It was nothing,” Robert said.

“No,” Aaron said. “It was something. It was everything to me and I’m sorry that I never told you that.”

Robert hesitated, unsure of how much to say. “Watching you… tear yourself into pieces when you were inside… broke me,” Robert said. “It was all I could do to hold myself together. I know being in prison was unbearable for you, I know that. But I missed you so much, and then even on my visits, you weren’t even you any more.” Robert shook his head. He hated this version of memory lane. They were painful memories that he wanted to keep buried ten years ago. “Why does it matter now anyway?”

“It always mattered,” Aaron said. “I wanted this place to be…”

“I know,” Robert said, because he did too.

Aaron puffed his cheeks for a moment. “I thought maybe… one day, we could live here again. Me and you, and… Lily and maybe Liv when she comes home and… yeah.” It dropped into silence as Robert felt completely wrong footed. He didn’t even know where this was coming from.

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” Robert said, smiling a little. “We’re not even together.”

“But I want to be,” Aaron said earnestly. “For the best part of fifteen years, it has always been you.” Aaron wiped his face impatiently. “I don’t see that ever changing, Robert.” Robert looked around the empty dark house, eyes not settling on Aaron. “Come on, you’ve got to say something.”

“I want you so badly it hurts,” Robert said, looking at the floor. He didn’t dare look at Aaron’s face. “I never stopped, I never could even try to break free of you because… you’re it. I don’t have the words to ever be able to describe what you mean to me.” Robert only looked up when Aaron’s palm curved around his cheek, their faces so close to each other. He could see the dampness on Aaron’s face from where he’d been crying, could see the blue of his eyes, could see the slight wrinkles on his face, new, making him slightly different from the ten year old memory. He was still the most beautiful thing in the world to Robert.

“I know,” Aaron said softly. “I feel it too.” Aaron’s thumb stroked across Robert’s skin and Robert dipped his head for a gentle kiss that was no more than a brush of lips. “Please can we try? I don’t think I could take it again if I woke up and you’d walked out on me.”

Robert nodded, no decision to be made, not really. “We can try,” he said, making Aaron smile. “It’s all I want. It’s you.” Aaron kissed him again, a bit more, a bit deeper and Robert allowed himself to sink into it, feeling every inch of Aaron against him.

“The er… beds made up, upstairs,” Aaron said.

“Oh, someone was confident,” Robert said with a grin.

“Lets say I was just naively hopeful,” Aaron countered. “I wanted privacy more than anything, but…” He gripped Robert’s hand and nodded towards the ceiling, grinning. He walked backwards towards the staircase and Robert let himself be led, a smile on his face. Wherever Aaron led, Robert would follow.

* * *

This time, they took things slow. Robert felt an overwhelming and unusual bout of nerves when he took his clothes off, because he was a man in his forties now. Aaron might be remembering how he looked before. Their first time he’d been 28, half a lifetime ago now. It felt strange, he’d slept with Aaron only a few weeks ago with no inhibitions, and now it bothered him?

“Hey,” Aaron said, drawing his attention to the present. “You’re sexy as fuck.” Robert smiled, loving how much Aaron could read him, even after everything the world had thrown at them. Aaron knew how to touch him, he remembered everything he liked, everything he loved.

Never before had they had sex in this house that was supposed to be theirs, the house that Aaron bought and Robert renovated, their vision of a future built together, and they’d never had this. After Aaron came home from prison it had all fallen apart, and Robert had spent most nights listening to Aaron breathe, hoping they could fix their crumbling relationship, but they never had. Not until now. Robert shook his head, clearing his mind. That time had gone, it was in the past. He wouldn’t waste his present by dwelling on it. Aaron was naked, on top of him and kissing down his chest, the scruff burning a little. It was a very good present he was living in, and he wanted to appreciate every moment of it.

* * *

Robert grabbed his shirt and Aaron froze. “You’re not leaving,” he said. A statement, almost but not quite begging.

“No,” Robert said, brushing a hand through Aaron’s curls to reassure him. “I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to go outside.”

“Why?”

“It’s new year,” Robert said. “There might be fireworks at some point.”

“Oh,” Aaron said. He’d completely forgotten. It seemed trivial at this moment. But Robert seemed intent on getting dressed so Aaron followed suit.

“Grab the whisky,” Robert said. Aaron grinned, doing what he said.

Once outside, Aaron frowned, watching Robert wedge a ladder up against the entryway to their house. Aaron glowed as he thought that. It hadn’t been their house in a decade, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be now, did it? “What are you doing?”

“Humour me,” Robert said. Aaron watched as Robert climbed onto the roof.

“Are you sure that’s going to support your weight?” Aaron asked, a little nervously.

“Yeah, I had the roof reinforced when we were doing it up,” Robert said, off hand. “I thought…” the he trailed off, embarrassed. “Well, I thought we might have a couple of kids who’d be tearaways, because they’d be ours so of course they’d be tearaways, climbing on everything, so I just wanted it to be safe.” Aaron had never known and he didn’t know what to say. “Unless you’ve changed the structure of it, your whole family could stand up here and it wouldn’t cave in.” Robert held out his hand and Aaron passed him the whiskey bottle before hoisting himself up to the roof, one of his knees clicking. He wasn’t as young as he once was for climbing on buildings.

Robert sat down, leaning against the main building, his legs stretched out on the roof, and he looked at home, Aaron thought warmly. Aaron moved to sit next to him, Robert looking up at the sky. It was an incredibly clear night, the stars being drowned out by the brightness of the moon.

“I love you,” Aaron said simply. Robert looked at him and then smiled, before holding Aaron close and tucking his head against his body. 

“I love you too,” Robert said, kissing his hair.

“So…” Aaron said. “How do we make this work? With Lily and… us.”

Robert shrugged. “Take it one day at a time. You need to call the electric company to get this place wired up again, that’s job one.” 

“And the water,” Aaron said. “Plus a cleaner might not be a bad idea.” Robert snorted a laugh. “What if Lily doesn’t like me?” he asked, a real concern.

“Have you ever known a kid not like you?” Robert asked. “She’ll be fine. If she gets to spend more time with Vic and her new best friend, she’ll be happy.”

“New best friend?”

“Eve,” Robert said.

“Oh,” Aaron said, then he laughed. “Good luck with that!” Robert laughed too before taking a swig of whisky from the bottle, feeling partly a teenager again. Sharing a bottle of booze on the roof in the middle of the night felt teenage like behaviour. But when Aaron snuggled into his side, being all cosy in a way he’d utterly deny if anyone else mentioned it, Robert knew this was so much better. This was the beginning of the rest of their lives. This time, together.

* * *

_ Epilogue. _

Robert looked at the distance from the ground to the roof of their little entryway, thinking it got taller every year. He wasn’t sure if he could get up there with his dodgy hip these days. But then, it had become a tradition for him and Aaron on the thirty first of December, to climb up on their roof. The thunderstorm had been an entertaining one. Robert couldn’t remember ever having been wetter or having laughed harder, him, Aaron and their three kids huddled under an umbrella that did nothing to keep them dry and had blown away half an hour before the fireworks started.

“Come on, I’ll help you.” Robert nodded and let Aaron half haul him up onto the rooftop.

“Ouch!” Robert said, his hip giving a twinge as he sat down on the roof, blankets, booze and Aaron already present.

“Okay?” Aaron asked and Robert nodded. He knew he was getting old when Aaron stopped mocking him for his age anymore, getting too sensitive and close to the truth. They half lay down next to each other.

“How was Lily?” Aaron asked, knowing she’d called earlier that day.

“Excited,” Robert said. “I think she’s worked it out.”

“You didn’t tell her?” Aaron asked.

“Of course I didn’t,” Robert said. “But she’s been with Will for eight years, it doesn’t take a genius to work out he might be planning on proposing. It’s New Year’s Eve.” Robert took a breath. “Jamie?”

“Working at the pub,” Aaron said. “He is working because I triple checked with mum.”

“Good,” Robert said fervently. “I love how your mum can still boss everyone around from the confines of a wheelchair.”

“She’s good, my mum is,” Aaron said with a wink. Robert smiled which slowly faded into the darkness of the night. “I’m thinking of selling my share of the pub,” Aaron said. It didn’t surprise Robert, he knew it had been on Aaron’s mind for some time. “I want us to have a proper retirement. Grow old disgracefully.”

“Bit late for that,” Robert said, making Aaron smile.

“Thank you,” Aaron said.

“For what?”

“For giving us another go, all those years ago when it was terrifying to try again.”

“It wasn’t just me,” Robert said. “We both started again.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “You filled our home with love and laughter, and when I didn’t have you, I didn’t think I’d get to be this happy, so… thank you.” Robert held Aaron close, as close as he could.

“Stop saying goodbye, I’m not dying,” Robert said. “It’s a hip replacement, that’s all. I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said softly. But Robert knew why. They’d both promised to always talk, to always tell each other how they felt, because the not talking and communicating had always been the ultimate worst thing when their relationship had broken down.

“Yeah, but one day… you’re probably…”

“That’s what you get for marrying an old man,” Robert said. “Aaron, I’m not going anywhere. I want to enjoy our grandkids, that’s why I’m having the hip replacement done in the first place.” Aaron nodded. “I’m not nearly done yet.”

“No,” Aaron agreed with a smile. “Good.” Aaron rubbed circles on Robert’s thigh, both of them snuggling under the blankets, waiting for the fireworks. Someone on the east side of the village had let some off at eleven, probably for the kids to go to bed, and Robert smiled at them.

“I could spend the rest of my life like this,” Robert said quietly.

“We have,” Aaron said simply.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far!! Keeping those two apart is never my writing style, so I found this a challenge in more ways than one, and sticking to a schedule too!
> 
> Thank you to the few people who encouraged me during several meltdowns over this, and @eloquentmydear who has made the fab art to go with this! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
